The case of the missing hat
by Scorpina
Summary: The Undertaker's treasured hat is missing...he has refused to go to the ring without it. Left with no other choice Vince McMahon called for an investiagtion... yet since Matt Hardy and Kane weren't doing anything, left the case in their hands....
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Prolog to the case.

"Someone… in this very room is a thief… Questions is, who?" Looking about the room it was lined with suspects, all with a motive… all with a case before the two detective's eyes. Yet… One was truly the thief. It's not funny when one loses a great possession, even if that one item is a hat! Yes… you read right a hat! Let's go back shall we?

Earlier that day…

It was a normal day for one Matt Hardy and Kane, both men hadn't really spoke to one another since the Lita angle, and yet it drew them closer to one another and stared an odd friendship. One out of respect of the pain the other felt. Kane always recalled telling people they would know his pain… well… he felt Matt's. When he stole Lita from him and tormented him for weeks on end… only to have the same happen to him only the one who tormented him was Edge… and Edge in returned screwed over Matt… leaved both Kane and the young Hardy Boy as odd friends.

Well the day was about to get rather strange for the two when the saw the Undertaker looking up and down the hall franticly, shoving over crates, knocking items off of tables and yet… he remained angry and bitter. "Where the hell is it!" he growled lowly and kept on searching. Kane was rather curious. He looked up from the paper he read and saw his flustered brother's face.

"I don't know about you Hardy boy but I haven't seen him that pissed off since he came back from Wrestlemaina twenty and handed me my ass" Kane announced as he folded his paper up.

Matt nodded in agreement as he put down his coffee cup; one thing he learned from Chris Jericho is always put down your coffee cup when around the big red machine. "No kidding, do we follow him?" Matt questioned.

Kane had a smirk on his face, normally when he sees the Deadman pissed off it usually means someone is going to get hurt! Of course he was going to follow him! Kane and Matt followed the destruction down the hallway before the Deadman gave a frustrated growl aloud. Every man and woman froze as he stood pissed. "WHO DID IT!" he demanded.

Everyone came from their locker room wondering what the racket was about. "What the hell I am trying to take a nap!" growled Edge.

"What's all this?" demanded Vince McMahon.

Taker turned to the boss with a sneer on his face. "Who did it?" Taker demanded slowly.

"Who did what?"

"Who took my hat!"

The room was in an awkward silence, he was pissed off… over a hat? The locker room tried not to snicker aloud at the Deadman's temper tantrum over a silly hat, yet he was peeved about it. "IT'S MY LUCKY HAT!" he snapped to everyone, which only made the situation all the more amusing. Matt tried to hold back his laughter; however the only one who remained composed was Kane… he saw nothing amusing about the situation. He knew all about the 'lucky hat' and darned not to speak aloud or even laugh at his brother.

Vince was smirking like a fool. "A lucky Hat? Come on Taker, there has to be something else that's pissed you off!" McMahon laughed.

Taker only grinned back at him. "If you think this is so funny, and then I won't go out to the ring without my hat… until it is found… consider your champion stationary!" Taker snapped back and stormed off.

Vince realized then and there that he was serious, the Undertaker went back to his locker room and locked the door tight, and this… was serious. McMahon turned to the whole locker room. "Joke is over, whoever has it, give him back his damn hat!" he ordered.

Everyone stared at the other, no one confesses, no one came forward with the hat. The locker room doors closes as Matt and Kane were left in the view of McMahon. He stormed up to the two me and glared them in the eyes. "Find… his… hat!" he ordered them and walked away.

Matt looked to Kane as Kane turned to Matt. "Well, looks like we're partners!" he said with a grin.

Kane growled as he rolled his eyes. "Great… why?" he demanded lowly.

"Oh come on Kane, we're like detectives! I'll be the good cop and you be the bad cop! It's perfect. Not to mention, if no one gives any information up… you can beat them silly!"

The big red machine mauled over the idea. "Hmm… you know this could be fun" he said with an evil laughter.

Matt was fine until Kane started to laugh manically. Something told him he was in for a long day.


	2. Chapter 2 Questioning Edge

Chapter 2- Questioning Edge.

Matt pulled out a pen and paper of possible suspects. He went with whoever had a grudge with the Undertaker and a side list of suspects who maybe trying to get Kane by going after the Undertaker. Just to cover their tracks.

Kane looked over the list and nodded to the suspects; Edge, Batista, Jess and Festus, MVP, Edgeheads, Vicky, Chavo and a few long shot names like MVP. However Kane sensed that one was planted, Matt hates his guts and Kane was very well aware of this history he had with Porter.

"We'll start off with Edge" Matt announced as he knocked on the locker room door. However Kane noticed something odd, he pointed Matt downward to the knob. There was a sock on it. "If I recall my collage experiences, doesn't that mean he's 'busy'?" Kane asked with a smirk.

"What if you're on your own in there? You know the one hand job?" Hardy smirked.

"If I recall if it's just you in there, then boxer shorts should be on the door." Kane didn't care; he wanted to make someone's life a living hell. He kicked in the door and saw Edge franticly trying to cover himself.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he demanded aloud of the two superstars. "Did you not see the sock?!"

"Oh come off it there's nothing we didn't see that you didn't expose at the live sex celebration you had with Lita. Get your damn pants on, we got questions!" Kane ordered.

Edge searched about the floor for his pants and slipped them on quickly as Kane and Matt looked away, he maybe rated R, but they didn't want to see this kind of rated visual. "What the hell do you two want?" he growled lowly.

"Taker's hat, know anything?" Matt questioned as he looked back at Edge.

Edge snickered aloud. "He has you looking for it? What a baby! What a loser for that matter! It's a hat!"

"His… lucky hat" Kane corrected him. "Know anything Edge?" Kane asked more calmly.

The Rated R superstar snickered. "And what if I do know anything? How would you make me talk anyway?"

"We got enough to make you squeal Edge… for example… the sock on the door… and yet you clearly are missing something in this room… a woman perhaps" Kane announced, however he grinned as he noticed the TV his hand went before it… and it was warm still, just turned off. "You knew we were outside of the door and purposely acted surprised. What were you watching Edge?" Kane asked as he turned the TV on.

Edge tried to stop him yet it was too late… the show appeared making both Kane and Matt snicker to one another. "You were watching Oprah… naked?"

Edge looked embarrassed as he tried to find an excuse. "Now then… this won't get blogged or anything, if you tell us about Taker's missing hat…" Matt warned.

It wasn't long before Edge spilled his guts to the two. "I saw Taker with his hat at the last arena, it was on his head after the show as he walked out, he left the hotel with it on and when he got to the arena, since then, I haven't seen it. Not a scrap of it!"

"Is that all?" Kane questioned.

"I did see someone… go by his locker room… besides you of course Kane… I saw… Vicky … You know how many times he attacked her? Who's to say she wouldn't want revenge?" he asked.

Matt made note as Kane refused to break eye contact with Edge. "We'll be in touch" and got Matt out of the room.

"Kane, what's the deal?" Matt whispered as Kane closed the door, he took the sock off and tucked it into his pocket.

"No reason, let's keep going Matt, there's more to this than meets the eye. Not to mention it shows Edge's true colors, turning over his woman for safety and to throw off suspicion… seems odd no?"

"You watch a lot of Law and Order Criminal intent don't you?" Matt questioned. Kane only smiled, he never did give him an answer to it.


	3. Chapter 3 Vicky

Chapter 3- Vicky

Kane and Matt held her under the light within a dark locker room. She sat poised as she always did in her wheelchair, and just to humor her, Kane put the locks on the wheels. "No where to roll… nowhere to run… even though you could" he whispered evilly within her ear.

"What the hell is all this? What are you two doing! I am your General Manager!" she protested. As Kane dealt with Vicky, Matt was asking Teddy Long some questions. Matt was polite to Teddy, after all he had to deal with Vicky and Edge often.

Matt smiled as Kane interrogated Vicky. "So, do you know anything about the missing hat of the Undertaker?" he asked.

Teddy shook his head no. "Sorry player, if I did, you would be the first to know, I promise you that!"

"We have been told that Vicky was in the vicinity of the hat…"

"How can she be? I have to wheel her around all day in that damn chair, not once has she gotten out of it… unless it was for the bathroom. She made me stop there a few times… always by Taker's locker room door though…" he paused to the idea. "Perhaps there a Diva at work in this as well?" he questioned.

Matt wrote down the information, not knowing Kane was tuning Vicky out and listening in. Before Vicky could finish her ranting rampage, Kane got up and left the room, calling Matt to follow.

They closed the door and began to walk down to the women's bathroom. "What now Kane, what did Vicky say to you?"

"Nothing, she just kept bitching at me" he growled. "I was more interested in what Teddy told you. The women's washroom, there's one in the GM's office, why did Vicky go to the one by Taker's? As well, we haven't entertained the idea of a woman suspect"

"Who did you have in mind?" Matt asked.

"Taker was recently partnered with a Diva to keep her safe, she wanted to be by someone who knew would look out for her… Deadman was chosen. Or volunteered, I don't know now a days" Kane muttered. "Michelle McCool is the only Diva to get close enough to my brother. Perhaps, she has a hidden motive herself?" he asked.

Matt nodded in agreement. "Admit it, you read the Hardy Boys series!"

Kane didn't say anything; his face remained stern and serious as they approached the Undertaker's locker room door. Kane knocked. "GO AWAY! UNLESS YOU GOT MY HAT!"

"Take, it's Kane!"

"YOU GOT IT?"

"No, Taker, when was the last time you saw Michelle McCool?" he called to the door.

Kane was rather stunned to hear the door unlock and open just a crack. "Why? What are you getting at?"

"Just checking all the angles, when was the last time you saw Michelle?" Matt questioned.

"I dropped her off at the arena, that's all. She went to the bathroom as I went to talk to Vince"

Ah, a possible led! Kane nodded and thanked Taker. He continued to walk Matt down the hallway, away from the woman's washroom. "Kane, what does it mean?"

"It means, we are going to barge in on ladies in the bathroom." Kane said with a grin.

"What are we preschoolers?! I am no going into the woman's bathroom! No way!"

"Oh grow up Matt" Kane growled as he stormed back to the women's bathroom and just walked in fearlessly.

Screams were heard as the Divas came running out. Matt followed as he saw Kane staring at Michelle. She paid no mind to him as she put on her lipstick. "You aren't the first to barge into a woman's bathroom, you're not the last" McCool announced. She tuned to Kane who already asked the question Matt was going to about the Deadman's hat. "Taker's hat? Why would I take it?" she asked of Kane.

Kane at first stared down at the countertop noticing instantly something was off, but said nothing. "My brother has been a rather odd gentleman to you, and accompanied you to many places. You're the only one who could get close enough to the hat…"

"I didn't take it!" she snapped back. "Why the hell would I? I have no ill will towards the Deadman! Besides when Taker left to talk to Vince, I saw Batista go into his locker room…"

"Batista huh?" muttered Matt.

Michelle closed up her make-up bag and took her leave from the bathroom. Kane looked to Matt and nodded. "We go question an animal."

Matt Hardy felt like he was being led on a wild goose chase, nothing was adding up to anything or anywhere. Not to mention he still didn't know why Kane kept the sock that was on Edge's door knob?


	4. Chapter 4 Cornering the animal

Chapter 4- Cornering the animal.

Kane and Matt ventured through the hallways in search of Dave Batista, yet along the way they saw Festus and Jesse. Kane briefly talked to them as Jesse told Kane to thank the Undertaker for him. "It really brought out a new side to Festus, can you tell?" he asked.

Kane stared into the blank eyes of the odd, strange man. "Yeah… I see that" the only thing he saw was the drool getting thicker. Kane had seen dogs drool less over food than that guy. "I'll pass the message along" in his mind that eliminated those two, yet this was all for nothing. Kane figured that, however Matt was enjoying himself and felt good about doing something 'important' so the Big Red Machine just followed along.

The spotted Dave in the work out gym that was within the arena, the Animal was pushing himself hard on the treadmill as Matt and Kane walked in. He looked up briefly at the two of them before turning back to the speed on the mill. "Dave, can we ask you a few questions?" Matt asked.

No response. Matt tried time and time again to get Dave to respond, yet nothing worked. Kane however rolled his eyes. "Hardy… he's wearing ear buds. This is how you get his attention" Kane reached to the controls and jacked up the speed forcing Batista to react the way he always does… pissed.

"What the hell Kane!" he demanded taking out the ear buds. "You trying to kill me?"

"Do I really have to answer that?"

Batista growled lowly as he turned to Matt. "What the hell do you two want?"

"It's about Taker's missing hat. We have been told that you had entered his locker room when he left to speak with Vince, care to explain?" Matt asked.

"We're in the same locker room, so? Is that a crime?"

"It is if you took something…"

"What the hell are you getting at? Are you calling me a thief! I had my watch stolen at Wrestlemaina! A 60,000 dollar watch!" he yelled.

"That will teach you for buying it and leaving it in your bag" Kane muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing" Kane replied with a rather stunned look on his face. "We just wanted to know if perhaps you may have wanted to take the Undertaker's lucky hat… for personal reasons."

Dave smirked to the though, Matt for a moment thought they had their man, yet Batista was only laughing at the idea of a lucky hat. "And you think it was ridiculous for me to have a 60,000 dollar watch?" he laughed.

Kane didn't share in the laughter. "Just answer the question"

Dave only smiled. "I didn't touch the damn thing, not like I would anyway. Besides, what good is a hat? He wears it to the ring, that's it. Is it really that hard for him to walk down without a damn hat?" he growled, he put the ear buds back in and restarted his workout.

Matt turned to Kane after writing down notes. Kane however was more focused at Dave's feet. Something was off about them.

"You see something?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, let's go scare the crap out of the purple ranger, then bring everyone together, I think I have this case solved" Kane announced.

Matt was confused. "They why are we going to interrogated MVP?"

"Because, we can, second, it's also fun!" Kane said with a grin.

Matt couldn't argue with that.

Yet Kane did have another suspect in mind, the Edgeheads. "Why are they a single suspect?" Matt asked him as he noticed Kane's list. They just emerged from MVP's locker room, scaring the preverbal crap out of him. Kane explained since the Edgeheads do everything together, they seemed to share a brain. "It saves on paper too."

They didn't have to go very far, the Edgeheads and Chavo found them! "What the hell are you doing picking on Edge?" demanded Zack.

"How dare you insult Vicky!" Chavo growled.

"We have orders from Vince to find a missing item" Matt explained aloud.

The three men smirked. "Taker's missing 'lucky' hat huh? Well whoever did it, is a genius! Who knew Taker had a weakness, and it was a simple hat?" Chavo laughed.

"You have your traditions the Deadman has his, watch what you save Chavo" growled Kane. "Question is though, where any of you dumb enough to take it?"

The three men looked to one another and back at Kane. "I would like to see you prove if we did" Curt smirked.

Kane looked down at their feet and nodded. "Well… I can certainly prove something. Taker's locker room, five minutes, don't make me come find you" Kane warned.

As Kane stormed off, Matt was in quick pursuit. "Kane… what's going on?"

"We are catching a thief. I need to make a call first" Kane pulled out his cellphone and dialed and old friend…


	5. Chapter 5 tormenting the mind

Chapter 5- Tormenting the mind.

"It was you… wasn't it?" demanded Kane, he had tied MVP down to a chair, placed him under a bright light and began to yell at him for no reason.

"What the hell! This is just like the justice system, you always blame the black guy!" he snapped back.

However a firm slap to the back of the head got him to shut up, Kane called in a favor… one of Mark Henry. "Now, now, this is why Mark is here, to assure that I treat you fairly. Trust me, it's either me… or he squeezes the confession from you!" Kane warned.

Matt lurked in the shadows just enjoying this. Porter has been a pain in his ass for a long time and the fact that Henry wanted in on this was a rather odd surprise. But he wasn't going to complain the least bit.

"You take Taker's lucky hat Porter?" Henry demanded. "I swear if you did, hell have no furry than that of a Deadman!"

"What hat! I didn't hear something was taken! This is total bull and you know it!" Porter growled as he tried to break the rope. "Let me go!"

"Not until we get answers, where were you March 16th of 2007?" Kane demanded.

"What the hell that does that have to do with anything! I don't know anyway that was over a year ago!"

"Answer him!" Henry ordered. "You don't the wrath of the druids will come down on your ass!"

"Druids? No… no one said anything about druids!"

"Porter, there's always druids; Taker has them at his beck and call. Ever wonder why he never orders room service? Never has too" Kane growled lowly to him. "Now then… Taker's hat… What do you know?" Kane asked calmly.

Porter was shaking in his boots, nearly to the point of tears. "I… I… I don't know! Really! I don't know anything about Taker's hat, I was watching Oprah at the time!" he cried.

"Oprah huh… what was she talking about?" Kane questioned.

"Her book of the month and the secret book… please… can I go?" he asked. Henry looked to Kane, giving him a nod. Kane nodded back. They let Porter go as he walked out of the dark room, Matt flicked on the lights.

Mark Henry though looked a little nervous. "So…we're cool right? Kane… not a word?" he asked.

There was a dastardly grin on the Big Red Machine's face as he smiled to Mark Henry. "Just keep in mind that I know!" Kane warned as the world's strongest man walked out of the room.

Matt carefully approached Kane. "Uh… do I really want to know what that was about?" he asked his partner.

Kane only smiled. "You will… when it happens to you…"

Looking down at his watch, Kane realized he had to gather the suspects and announce his findings, he asked Matt to go ahead of him as he checked his pocket. Kane still had it. The one time he had no choice but to share a hotel room with Mark Henry… he caught Henry with his deepest darkest secret… He still sleeps with a teddy bear. "Damn, I should have been a detective" Kane grinned as he followed Matt from the room. It was time to get Taker's hat back…


	6. Chapter 6 the final verdict

Chapter 6 the final verdict.

Mobile Alabama endured a very odd… and strange day. It was two hours before Smackdown and the Deadman was still missing his lucky hat. Time was running out…

They gathered in the Undertaker's locker room, every witness and possible suspect; Vicky, Edge, Batista, Edgeheads, Michelle McCool and Chavo. Kane brought along Vince and even convinced the Undertaker to open the locker room door to let everyone in. "Who did it, which one of you took my damn lucky hat!" he demanded.

"It wasn't me!" protested Edge.

"Shut up!" Vince snapped, he turned the floor over to Matt and Kane.

Matt got the ball rolling. "Someone in this very room is a thief…" he began to say. "Question is… who?"

Matt had announced everyone's possible motive for stealing the hat. "Edge wanted to get back at the Undertaker for losing at Wrestlemaina, what better way than to take his treasured lucky hat?" he asked. Edge sneered and cursed under his breath. "Vicky has a motive as well, to prove herself to her man Edge, when he was the one who ratted her out to Kane and I"

"YOU WHAT!"

"They caught me in the middle of something!" Edge tried to explain.

"Don't worry it wasn't another woman or anything… it would have made the situation all the more pleasant though" Kane said with an evil smirk.

"Shut up!" Edge hissed through his teeth.

Kane gave an evil snicker as Taker soon joined him; it had to be a juicy tidbit the Deadman knows his brother would share with him later on.

"What about Kane, how come Kane isn't a suspect? He's a little brother, it's that what little brother's do is take stuff from the older siblings!" demanded Vicky.

"Why the hell would I need a hat?" Kane snapped back. "If you haven't noticed, I'm as bald as Mr. Clean!" he announced. "Besides, I know what that hat means to my brother, I wouldn't dare take it from him!"

"So, who did it Kane? Who took my hat?" Taker demanded.

Matt went through the list of suspects and their motives once more, yet to him, nothing added up. Matt looked puzzled as he looked to Kane. "Uh… Kane… none of this is making sense…"

"Sure it does Hardy Boy; you were just looking at the wrong things." Reaching into his pocket, Kane pulled out a sock.

"Hey! That's mine!" announced Batista. "Where the hell did you get my sock?"

Kane smirked as he tossed it to Dave. "Everyone in this room is guilty of stealing something. It starts with Edge who didn't want to use his socks when it comes to leaving the signal on the door that he was 'busy' as well Chavo and the Edgeheads had taken all of his in the mean time, left with no other alternative. Edge snuck into Dave's room and took his socks. Since then the Edgeheads had unknowing worn Batista's socks as Edge was quick to hide his own."

"Well, how does this end up to my hat?" Taker asked.

"In due time, however you have had another thing stolen from you… an item you didn't care too much about, but it was taken…" Kane explained. "When we interviewed Miss. McCool she had the coal eye liner sitting on the counter top, I recall the girls all running out with their supplies when… I fell into the facility…" Kane paused as he smirked to his own fib; he knew he wasn't getting away with it. "When I noticed it lying on the countertop, the coal eye liner… Michelle never used that brand, it was the one Taker always used to give his eyes that more dominating effect… Damn man, you wear makeup!"

"Get to your point Kane" Taker growled.

"Miss McCool had been in this locker room and took the eye liner…"

"So she took the hat!" announced Chavo.

"No… she didn't, she has no grudge towards the Deadman. She is only guilty of taking the eyeliner. And Vicky took her lipstick, since she was forced to wear a different shade of red… I noticed… I know my reds," Kane announced, yet was quick to continue the explanation of clues to this story. "Dave however came in shortly after Miss McCool. And took an item of this room…"

"I didn't take no damn hat!" Dave growled.

"No, you took a pair of Taker's socks… when yours were gone you figured the Deadman wouldn't notice…"

"You son of a bitch! You took my favorite pair of socks!"

"At least they weren't lucky" Dave said with a smirk.

"Kane this is all well and good, but who the hell has my hat!" Taker demanded.

Counting down from five on his fingers, Kane reached one when there was a knock at the door, looking to his watch he smiled. "He's never late"

Kane went and opened the door when Paul Bearer walked in with a smile on his face. "Paul? Why are you here?" Taker demanded. Paul smiled a big grin as he presented Taker his Lucky hat. "You forgot it at the bar again"

Taker took his lucky hat and placed it on his head with a smile. "Thanks Paul"

Everyone in the room looked confused as hell. "What in God's name is going on? We were interrogated for nothing!" Edge demanded.

"You stole socks, that's a pretty high offence in my family" Matt announced, they all left the room in a huff as Vince rolled his eyes and walked out without saying a word. Matt on the other hand turned to Kane and Taker along with Paul Bearer. "So… why is the hat so lucky?" he asked aloud. Not really expecting an answer but was stunned to get one.

"Paul bought me this hat when I first started, ever since then it brought me great luck… well… I considered it great luck"

"I was the most over paid babysitter there was! You have any idea what trouble he got himself into!?" Paul demanded of Matt. He rolled his eyes. "I hope the tables have turned!"

"I'm tried my best 'dad' but I don't think I could equal the hell he raised with you" Kane laughed aloud, however he continued the story. "Taker wore that hat when he watched me wrestle in Smoky valley wrestling… It wasn't long before I came to the WWE" Kane explained. "So, it has been a lucky hat, not only for him, but me as well"

"He also found five dollars wearing it once" Paul chimed in with a smirk. "You were so thrilled since you were short exactly five dollars!"

"Yeah, those were the days" Taker sighed. "This hat has been good to me, and I like to keep it special. Thanks Matt for looking for it. And Kane… you're going to pay for that makeup comment!"

Kane quickly hightailed out of the locker room. Paul only rolled his eyes at me with a smile. "Kids, what are you going to do?" he asked and followed them out the door, not running, just calmly walking out the door pleading with the Undertaker to not brutally harm Kane.

Matt stood in the locker room utterly confused; if Kane knew where the hat was all along, why the hell go through all of this!? Matt threw the pad of paper to the corner and decided to leave; he wasn't going to question why he and Kane went though all that trouble, for all he knew… Kane was board and wanted to so something that involved tormenting others…. What's more tormenting than an interrogation?

Matt just let out a sigh as he left the locker room, the case of the missing hat had come to a close however Taker was already working on the newest case, the case of 'the missing little brother and his smartass mouth'

THE END


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